Jacob Stephens October 10, 2024 ~3,700 words Fiction
I, Pearl Regan, wake up to an alarm on my phone. I sit up in my bed and look out my window. I'm relieved to see sun casting gold onto the east facing bricks of the house across the street. Some days I wake up to the light being thrown onto the opposite side of the building. The leaves on the trees are turning yellow.
I had an overnight shift the night before last. I feel jet lagged. I was nursing in the children's' ward at Yagoda Hospital, and I've got to go back this morning. I get ready, and on my way out the door I call out to my sister Emily "Hope you have a good day!"
"Bye!" she replies from the kitchen.
On my commute, I listen to a chapter that paints my mind with images of swords with a will of their own, massive creatures of stone and lightning, and a half-elf who musters the courage to charge on a bloodied field, raining with arrows.
The week passes, and it's Saturday morning. I'm nannying Carol's children, and I'm sitting with the children as they stack blocks. A memory from earlier this week strikes my mind, the sound of a coughing child, my eyes close and I wince. I shake my head and bring my attention back to the blocks, leaning back onto the couch in relief. I want this to be my full-time gig, but what would my family say? I recently completed a prestigious undergraduate nursing program, and my mom is proud of me. When I was a child she told me how great it would be for me to become a nurse. I don't want to let her down.
I return to my apartment, and Emily says to me, eager, "I'm going to the jazz dance at The Hera tonight. You should join me! You spent last night reading - what - The Hero of Ages again? It's time for you to get out!"
I feel reluctant, but a smile slips out, "Okay, sure. Let me get myself together."
I know there's a blemish on my left cheek, but that doesn't hold me back. I put on my black high top Chuck Taylor's, a long black skirt with a slit on the left leg, and a loose floral top. It has a black base and red flowers. I pull my long black hair back and up into a bun, take off my glasses, and I'm ready to go.
We arrive to the club and walk into the ballroom. The ceilings are high. The walls have a cream wainscoting that's somewhat ornate, and yellowish-brown polished boards make up the floor. A group of people are circled up around a dance instructor. The group gives a brief applause for the instructor and disperses. I follow Emily over to the seats along the left wall. We set our things under the chair, and a young man asks me to a dance. After I'm on the dance floor, I notice my sister asked to dance by a tan man with an almost faded brunette side part, a camel colored crew neck t-shirt, light blue jeans, and white shoes.
Later on, my sister is in a dance, and I'm sitting by myself on the sideline. I see the tan man standing with his friend. The tan man looks over his shoulder and looks at me. He turns and walks over, extends his hand to me, and asks "Would you like to dance?"
I look up and smile "Sure." I take his hand and he leads me onto the dance floor. His hands have callouses, and mine do not.
Billy Holiday croons out from the speakers "Blue moon // You saw me standing alone". The song fills the air with a tender, playful mood.
The man takes me into closed position, his right hand under my left arm, resting on my back, then introduces himself "I'm Val. What's your name?"
"Pearl", a bit wide eyed, looking up at him.
"Pearl, nice to meet you." He smiles.
He leads us into a jockey back and forth, and we find the rhythm of the song. I look down at my feet, then glance up, and he's looking at me. He smirks and looks around us. I look back down, not feeling 100% confident. He lets me out into a rock step, and we dance.
The song ends, and he says to me. "Remind me your name?"
"Pearl"
"Pearl! Thank you for the dance."
"Thank you." Emily watches me walk back to my seat from her own.
She looks at me and asks, "How was the dance?"
"Good! I should have practiced more with you."
Emily shoots me a cheeky grin "There's still time", then she observes "Hey - look at Val dancing with the instructor! He smiles a lot."
"He did that with me too - we should call him Smiling V."
Emily laughs, "Yes! Smiling V."
By the end of the night, Val had scootched over from his seat to talk with me and Emily. He asked me for two more dances - maybe more than he asked anyone else. Our last dance had a regal air about it.
It starts to get late, and I'm ready to go. Emily obliges. We put on our jackets and purses and walk out. I notice Val talking with a pretty woman, but I don't look at him. We exit the building, get half way down the alley, and suddenly I hear footsteps running up behind me.
"Hey!" I turn to my left and see Val. I look up at his face. "Do you want to get coffee sometime?"
I'm taken aback, but a smile bursts out of me, "Yeah! - Should we exchange phone numbers?"
"Yes! One second." He pulls out his phone, opens a note, and types my name "Okay, what's your number?"
I tell him and say "Text me, and we'll figure it out."
"Okay, great! - Bye!"
"Bye!" He waves, turns, and heads back to the club. Emily and I turn the corner and walk down the sidewalk, my footsteps lighter than they were a moment ago. I look over at Emily, and she's beaming at me.
In the evening of the next day I get a text "Pearl, Val here, 'Smiling V' :) Join me at The Festival of Fountains this Thursday."
I just met this man, but I had a good vibe with him. Plus, the festival is happening at Lórien Gardens, which is magnificent and public enough. I ask Emily what she thinks. "Go for it!" She says.
I text back, "Sounds good! Looking forward to it! Hope you had a good weekend :)"
Thursday arrives, and Val and I haven't communicated since Sunday when he invited me to the Gardens, but if he's anything like the heroes I read about, he'll be at the Gardens when he said he would. I arrive just after six, and I'm wearing flats, navy slacks, a white t-shirt, white floral button up top, two pairs of gold ring earrings, and my glasses. My hair is down. I don't have to worry about hitting anyone in the face tonight.
As I near the entrance, I see Val. He's wearing brown leather boots, dark blue jeans, a black t-shirt, and a brown black leather jacket. The look is more tough than I was expecting. Our eyes meet and we smile. He calls out as he walks towards me "Hey! Pearl - welcome."
"Thank you!" he walks by my side, leading me in. I ask, "Have you been here before?"
"Yes, but pretty much only at Christmas."
"Me too! Even though I'm so close. My parents have a membership and come here a lot. Sometimes you live close to something great but don't end up going there much."
I walk on his right a half step behind him. He turns and we walk down Flower Garden Drive. We get to Large Lake, and Val gestures towards the Adirondack chairs by the shore. "Let's take a seat."
We sit down, and eventually I mention "I nurse, and I've been nannying more lately - like I did back in college. I've found solace in the nannying. It's great to be around healthy kids, you know?"
"Ooph. Thank you for your service."
I chuckle, and go on "And there's less stricture nannying too. The nursing has so much room for making mistakes- there are so many rules to adhere to."
"Mmmm... That sounds like a difficult situation. I imagine there's a level of weighing your financial needs versus taking care of your psychological wellbeing. Questions like, To whom and to what should I listen as I decide what to do for a living? and Must my job be the primary source of my identity? become relevant here."
I look at Val intently, my eyebrows raised a bit, turn my gaze to the lake and sigh, "Yeah."
Later on, our night finishes with the Main Fountain Garden Performance before I need to leave to pick up Emily. I go to sit on the grass, but Val pulls a blanket out of his backpack and lays it down for us.
After the show I remark to him "The way the water fell after the biggest jets fired into the air, it reminded me of an abstract painting - and also in a way, I got the feeling I get from Bob Ross."
Val laughs "Ah cool! The feeling of Bob Ross is a good one. - The water falling reminds me of pointillism in modern art, with all the droplets like the little dots in that style"
"Mmmm!" I emphatically sound out with a tone that rises then falls, as I often have tonight when resonating with something Val said.
We arrive at the exit, and Val says "I'll leave you here, but before you go, I have something for you."
"Oh? That's nice of you!" I pique. He pulls out a small white and green floral box from his backpack, wrapped in white ribbon, and hands it to me. "This looks fancy! Should I open it now?"
"Yes."
"Okay." I untie the ribbon and lift open the lid of the box, revealing four chocolate truffles inside. "Oh! These look so good. Thank you."
"Sure!"
I hug Val "Goodnight" I start to walk off, and he calls out.
"We'll have to hang out again sometime!"
I look back over my shoulder, "Yes- of course!", and I head off to my car. I know Emily will want to hear about our time together.
The weekend arrives, and I'm back at the hospital - I'm going to be waking up to the sun on the west side of the brick house tomorrow. This weekend I resolve to alternate between coffee and matcha lattes - that'll be less caffeine and a step in the right direction for me.
A five year old named Azrael, Az, was just admitted to the pediatric intensive care unit. Sadly, I recognize the child. Recently his parents brought him to a Lil' Kickers class, a program for kids to start playing soccer together, but Az quickly became short of breath, then fainted. The parents were mortified and rushed him to the hospital. Az woke back up, and after some investigation we found the aortic valve in his heart to have only have two cusps instead of the usual three - a bicuspid aortic valve. My heart dropped to see him back.
As I set him up in his room, Az's cough sounds like a weak Goblin's screech. His parents are standing on the other side of the bed holding his hand. His forehead is very warm too - feverish. His coughing subsides, and we seem to have a moment of reprieve. A bit later I walk by the room and hear Sandy Cheeks in her bubbly, Texan accent "Home is where you're surrounded by other critters that care about you." I nearly tear up.
By the early morning the case is getting worse, so I'm ordered to connect Az to an IV, and a night mist rolls over the situation's emotional tone. I'm wishing my study abroad had been with the Northern Water Tribe, and I silently ask Saint Jude to intercede for Az.
~ ~ ~
Tragically, Az didn't make through the night. It was wrenching, and the parents are still wailing. I was in the room during his last cry, and I feel scarred. Lord, have mercy. I don't know if I can keep on with this. When I get home, I see Emily, and I shatter into tears.
She wraps me in her arms "Aw, Pearl..."
I sob, eventually gathering myself, and my breathing starts to steady. I am so grateful that she is my sister. I stutter out, "I don't want to go into my next shift, but I know it's my responsibility to go."
Emily listens. I look up at her, and her eyes are heavy for me. I bury my head back into her shoulder. She must be burning brass.
My birthday is coming up, and Emily got me tickets to The Worldhopper Ball. I'm so excited! Not only to step into the wedding of Adolin and Shallan, but also to road trip with a dear friend.
We set out together. I'm driving, and once we get to the open road, Emily looks over at me, "Pearl, I know you're committed to making mom proud, realizing her dream to see you nursing, but I also know how rough it's been on you lately. It hurts me to see you hurt. You won't be letting me down if you let go of nursing."
My eyebrows furrow, I nearly close my eyes for a moment, and I feel my shoulders tense upwards "But all that mom and dad put into giving me a top tier education. I would feel like I was wasting it."
"Pearl, sunk cost fallacy. Changing course now doesn't change the fact that you've tended to so many sick children. You're amazing for that. - You can take a turn here - take the road less traveled by'"
"That has made all the difference." Mom taught us that in English class. ... God, I feel torn.
A number of weeping willows pass by our windows. I go on, "But nursing has been who I am for so long."
"It's hard to turn your story in a way that feels like a move towards discontinuity, but take your thinking up a level for a moment - if you switch to nannying, the thread that runs continuously through your story will remain your heart and care for children."
We drive past a few more exits, and my soundtracks playlist has been playing over the stereo. Hans Zimmer's sweeping, grand composition, Time, comes on and begins to rise. I let the energy of it well up inside of me - something like how I imagine burning pewter might feel. I take a big breath in and glance upward. After the breath out I look over at Emily, my lips pursed into a straight line "Okay. Emily, I decided. I'm going to drop nursing for nannying. I need to make this move for my own wellbeing. I'm my own woman. And you're right, this doesn't make me ungrateful. I still deeply appreciate all that mom and dad have given me. I'm still contributing to the world." After a moment of thought, "I have to tell mom."
A grin rises from the corner of Emily's mouth as her eye catches mine. She takes my hand "I'm with you."
At the wedding ceremony, the officiant made an analogy,
"At first glance, the key and the lock it fits may seem very different," ... "Different in shape, different in function, different in design. The man who looks at them without knowledge of their true nature might think them opposites, for one is meant to open, and the other to keep closed. Yet, upon closer examination he might see that without one, the other becomes useless. The wise man then sees that both lock and key were created for the same purpose."
My response was a guttural, musical "Mmmm!" During the reception, I danced with Emily and many others. Emily pulled out some of her Jungle Book moves, and I was surprised to see Val there. He asked me for a dance, and I told him about my decision. He praised my strength in the face of pain.
Emily and I made it home, and now for the part I've been loathing - breaking the news to my parents.
Emily and I arrive at my parents' for dinner with them. They live nearby, so I didn't have much time in the car to amp myself up.
I walk into the kitchen and see mom sprinkling butter sautéed shallot over pierogis, and the Greek salad is finished. I carry the salad to the dining room table, and mom brings in the pierogis. Dad brings out some water and sits at the head of the table. We're all gathered, and dad puts his hands out to me and mom, each sitting next to him. He closes his eyes and bows his head, "Bless us, O Lord, and these your gifts which we are about to receive from your bounty; through Christ our Lord."
We raise our heads, "Amen."
My mom asks, "How was work at the hospital this week, Pearl?"
I tense my brow, looking down at my plate, then up at mom, "Good - though challenging at times."
"I imagine, but the Lord strengthens you, and it is such good work. Jesus healed, and so do you. I told Ruth this week about you, and she was very impressed."
"Thanks, mom." I look to the side, then glance up at Emily. She looks at me with a serious expression.
We finish our dinner, and mom leaves the dining room to get dessert. Dad steps out to brew a pot of decaf coffee. Emily leans over to me and says under her breath "Pearl. Remember what you came here to share. Mom is not the only one you need to listen to as you decide what to do for a living. Medicine is not the only 'secular' work we can do that bears God's image."
I nod "Yes, yes you're right." I take a deep breath in and blow my breath out.
Mom walks back in carrying an apple cake, and dad brings in a pot of coffee, pouring some for each of us. I also haven't told them about my cutting back on coffee, but I'll share one change at a time.
I bring the image of Aslan laying himself on the Stone Table to mind. Inspired by his courage to endure a self-death for the sake of bringing about life, I look up at mom and dad, "Mom, dad" I pause. "I'm giving up nursing so I can nanny full time."
My mom's eyebrows flash up, her eyes wide. She looks stunned. My dad's coffee cup doesn't move from his mouth as he looks at me - his expression shocked too. My mom sputters "But honey, you've spent so much of your life getting here."
I notice my shoulders drawn back, and I feel unusually confident. "I know, but this work is just as real and just as important. Think of how Carol could finally work full-time at the law office if I could fully nanny for them. - I'm getting burnt out by the sickness, and I want to work with the same children over a long term. - Like you did, mom, you taught us at home, and I want to have a similar kind of impact on children."
Moms eyes narrow and soften, her shoulders drop, and she looks down, feeling split between desires. "Okay. This is going to take some time for me to process. I want what's best for you. We don't always see that the same, but I guess I'll have to trust you in this." Mom is aching over letting go of what I sense has been her getting to live out a vicarious dream in me.
Emily puts her hand on my knee under the table and squeezes it. I look over at her, and I see pride in her eyes.
At the end of my next shift at the hospital, I hand my manager a resignation letter with my two weeks' notice. Her eyes widen, but she looks up at me and understands, "I'll miss you. You're such an inquisitive and stable presence, reliably attending carefully to details."
"I'll miss you too." She hugs me.
Soon enough I find myself at Carol's taking care of her children. I see her car pull into the driveway. The headlights shut off, and she walks in the front door. The kids run over to her and curl their arms around her legs. I follow them over and greet her, shyly, but I can't help but smirk "Good news, Carol - I can be your full time nanny now."
Her expression lights up, and she drops her purse to the floor "Pearl!" She walks towards me "This is wonderful! The partners at the firm were just about to publish a job posting, but now I can expand my role and they won't need anyone else." She takes my hands "I trust very few people with my children. I couldn't do this without you."
The logical side of me wonders if she really couldn't find anyone else, but either way, I'm happy to help her out. The vision I have for my children someday overlaps with hers for her children in a lot of ways, so I will get to really lean into guiding the children ways that are good for them.
I arrive home. No one else is here. I find a warm grain bowl on the counter Emily left for me. I brew a cup of tea, and it's time for me to curl up in my favorite chair with The Hero of Ages. I feel especially at ease, yet there are no Mistings around.